Fawning Series Part III: What You Want Probably Isn’t What They Want
If you’re still wondering if you fawn a lot in relationships, here are a couple of clues*:
You feel like “the caregiver”
You have trouble saying no
You get really anxious when you don’t think you can help someone
Your values change depending on the person you’re talking to (and you’ve called that an asset)
You often feel blank, erratic, or guilty anger
You don’t think anyone truly cares about or knows the real you
You feel responsible for other people's reactions
If some of those bullet points fit a little too snugly around the waist, you might be in the right place. And if you’re often stuck in a fawning response, it’s probably hard to know what you actually want in your life, too. Beyond helping other people with whatever they want.
You’re pretty sure you know what other people want, too. Like, 99.99% sure. When you get it wrong, it’s due to a disturbance in the force.
One thing you keep missing, though? People want to know you, despite how much it seems like they don’t. And you don’t even know you, let alone what you want. Not the you who has their own likes, dislikes, valuable opinions, experiences, and input, no matter who's around.
The clincher? You really, truly want to feel loved, cared about, and known. That’d feel like finally being…safe. But you can’t imagine how that’d happen at this point. You already put all this work into gauging other people’s needs, and if that doesn’t do the trick, what could?
What Do You Really Want?
You know how to read other people and assess for danger (read: rejection) better than you know yourself. That’s where that whole confusing-their-needs-for-yours thing gets so hard to tease apart: fawning can feel like knowing exactly what someone wants and being in alignment with that and that alone. But fawning is actually knowing how to protect yourself (most of the time) from being ignored, unaccepted, or pushed to the side by catering to the potential abandonment-risk-of-a-person in front of you.** So when I ask what you want, I’m not wondering what the finely-calibrated, Energizer bunny-fueled, need-reading persona you have “knows” their partner wants. I’m wondering what you want.
If you’re drawing a blank, that makes sense. See, over time, you might’ve lost touch with you.* You almost always do the “right thing,” but you don’t actually just let yourself exist. Slipping into the lives and perceived needs of others feels safe when you’ve tried to be seen for the good you do.*** It’s just not who you really are.
Starting To Figure Out What You Want
So what do you really want? What do you long for? What do you like or hate? What makes you smile when no one’s paying attention, and what feels kinda mid no matter who’s around?
If you want, you can start with a simple body scan.** Take some deep breaths and focus inside yourself. Try to stick with anything that comes up for at least five seconds.
What’s loud, loosens, or shifts in your body? Which thoughts come up, and which emotions are behind them?
If starting with your body sounds overwhelming, look around you: what’s your favorite color? Shape? Texture?
You (not Energizer bunny you) might be so exhausted from constantly monitoring other people's moods that you want to start looking into the you of it all, but don’t have the energy. Just thinking about it brings up guilt and shame you didn’t need, for the seemingly childish misstep of not getting to know yourself already. And yet, you know something’s wrong when you keep feeling like you’re not actually getting what you want, even if you don’t know what that is.**
An important thing to remember right out of the gate? Figuring out who you are is a lot of work, but it can involve joy.**
At first, it’s usually pretty uncomfortable and jarring.** It’s intense to suddenly realize you exist outside of other people's needs. So (especially if you were close to today-years-old when you realized it) sitting with it is enough–just like you’re enough.
If you sit with it for a while, you might start to feel like you do know who you are–at least the rough shapes and hues. It’s just…wrong. Why don’t you like the same things the people you love like? Why do you have to be so difficult? You clearly love other people for a reason, so your personalities should match up, shouldn’t they?***
You’re not “difficult”; you’re different from other people. We’re all different. You’re also not hurting anybody with your favorite color being red. And what you like is only the tip of the iceberg of who you are; you have wants, needs, dreams, wishes, plans, and fantasies, too. We’re just trying to nail down some basics for starters, but no part of you is difficult or wrong.
And as you get to know yourself better, those flashflood judgments will thin out enough for rays of joy to pop up. Especially when the energy you put into trying to figure out other people can go towards getting to know you instead.**
See, we don’t teach this process in school that much. Deep inquiry into what satisfies us, let alone in intimate relationships (hello consent and boundaries?! Why didn’t we get the memo that this work was important??), is usually not encouraged.** But the longer you pay attention to what makes you happy without the purpose of tending to other people, the more you’ll be able to feel out what makes you laugh, what gives you frisson, what’s sus as hell to you, and what makes you wrinkle your nose. And the deeper you inquire, the more you’ll likely realize that other people's needs are pretty nuanced as well.
You Probably Don’t Want Exactly What They Want
You’ve been good at figuring out what’s on the surface of what other people want–what you can see in their face, their tone, the way they move about their day–but most people are pretty deep, just like you.* They have wounds you don’t know about. They unironically watch Bluey clips on TikTok for life advice when you’re not around. They’re figuring out what they need as they evolve. In other words, being known is hard for everyone. You’re just starting from a different place.
This also means that the chance you’ll want exactly what someone else wants is incredibly slim, even if you tell yourself you want what you think they need. And you’ll probably be happier with someone whose needs complement but aren’t the same as yours, anyway.
Why would that ever make me happier?! You might ask. If our needs are different, I could need the wrong thing, and even if it’s not the “wrong” thing, it’ll mean arguments. Disagreements. Times when I don’t give them what makes them feel whole, and they deserve that much!***
So do you.
Relationships aren’t about always getting what you need. They’re about growing with someone you feel safe around, who’s different from you and just as beautiful for those differences as they are for your similarities. Relationships are about finding yourself over time with other people–not paywall-protected, need-satisfying AI. Technology luckily hasn’t replaced us yet when it comes to love.
That’s where you’ll hopefully want something similar to your partner: growth: where you’re your own person and your partner brings depth to your journey through life by adding something different. You’ll probably want a thousand other things, too, but one of them won’t be a carbon copy of your needs sleeping in your bed every night for the rest of your life. It’ll likely be someone who tells you when you got something wrong, revels in feeling seen as you learn about them over time (with no agenda to “fix” them), finds you in the moments you feel tired, gross, and unworthy, and tells you they love you and are so happy you let them see the ever-changing, unique, evolving human being you are.
Take-Aways As You Grow
This blog series might be introducing the idea that you have unique desires and needs in a way that clicks for the first time. You also might’ve just realized that you aren’t seeing everything someone else wants, particularly if you’re constantly deeply, deeply worried about rejection. And that’s ok. We all learn who we are and what we want over the course of our lives, and we generally need to ask others what they want, too, let alone what they need.
Bonus realization? Most people aren’t taught to ask what other people need, and don’t like getting other peoples’ needs “wrong,” either. The difference, once again, is that you equate knowing what someone needs and meeting those needs with being a valuable human being, and that ain’t it, chief.*** You’re already valuable, whether you guess those needs right or not.
If you can start to notice how worrisome it feels to get a partner’s needs “wrong,” you can see how much safety you find by catering to their every look, gesture, and word.*** From there, you can start to notice what you genuinely like and need, sans other people potentially liking and (probably not) needing the same thing, too. Then you can start to see how different meeting your partners’ perceived needs is from meeting your own.
Eventually, you can feel worthy enough to see, know, and cater to who you really are, with some help from a professional and/or a lot of introspection. And at that point, you can see what the real you wants, in relationships and outside of them. This is the work of knowing and being known; you have my sincerest welcome to the beginning of the invaluable, courageous work of living in your truth.
How are you feeling? Did this speak to you in some way? If you are looking for some more guidance with the fawn response, we have multiple therapists who can help. California residents can book a therapy matchmaking appointment with our therapist matchmaker to begin your healing journey today.
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References:
**Aigner, C. (2022, November 29). Love or fear? The please/appease survival response: interrupting the cycle of trauma. Summit.sfu.ca. https://summit.sfu.ca/item/35736
*Davis, S. (2022, February 21). Rejection Trauma and the Freeze/Fawn Response. CPTSD Foundation. Retrieved February 24, 2023, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/02/21/rejection-trauma-and-the-freeze-fawn-response/
***Paredes, R. (2022, May 30). Understanding Trauma: The 6 Types of Trauma Responses. Mindbetter. Retrieved February 24, 2023, from https://mindbetter.com/trauma-response-types/
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