Fawning Series Part II: What You Think People Want
Most people try to please others at some point. It’s a pretty human thing to do. But they’re usually doing it from a place of being in touch with their own needs, emotions, and sense of self-worth that transcends whatever they can do for another person.*
So what happens when someone isn’t?
What happens when someone’s been people-pleasing since they were a kid, because they felt so rejected for who they were that they put everything they had into pleasing others with what they did instead? And what if that put them more in touch with other people’s needs and emotions than their own?*
What if you were that kid?
Knowing What Everyone Else Needs
As you got older, you got great at tuning into other people's frequencies.** And now? You’re an expert in relationships, the best partner anybody’s ever seen, and an even better child and friend. Every boss you’ve ever had asks you to do less, because you go goblinmode on a project. You do it all and still make time to be your partner’s best friend, confidant, ombudsman, cheerleader, and nurturer (or parent…if we’re being honest, sometimes, parent).*
…The Problem?
You also keep finding yourself in relationships with people you can “fix” or “help,” with a packed flight’s worth of baggage, every-season depression, off-the-charts anxiety, unexplored trauma, and/or debilitating existential dread when they think about anything on their Reddit feed. And you assume responsibility for when they don’t feel good about themselves, because you have it in your heart to give that much (and besides, people without some serious stuff going on are boring, amirite?).*** It feels good to take it all on, anyway…until the relationship ends, and they move on like you didn’t do all that work so selflessly. But you take care of yourself by taking care of other people, you know?** And one day, it will work. You’ll find someone who can appreciate the lengths to which you’re willing to go for someone you love.
To be clear: it’s not bad to love somebody with problems. Everybody has problems, and having a lot of them doesn’t make you an unworthy partner. And it’s great to want to support your partner. I wish more people had supportive partners.
But you only feel loved in the moments you “help” or “fix” them, so helping and fixing is your focus. You assume you’re playing the right roles for your partners when you play them, and you do anything to avoid conflict (between you two and inside your partner’s head). You’re trying to prevent rejection and conflict by seeking safety in constantly meeting each and every one of their needs.** Which means you’re trying to please and appease your partner. In other words, you’re playing out scripts from your trauma and stuck in a loop.
It’s actually just deep, deep empathy, you think. Most people wouldn’t understand.
A lot of people don’t understand. You cater to people's needs pretty effing well, and supportive, attentive people create harmony in a world that can feel kinda fractured beyond repair on a good day.
But if you’re feeling that drive to keep doing, keep giving, keep finding out what’s wrong, and you feel briefly sated when you’ve done something “good” only to go right back to doing, you’re probably retrieving love in people's responses to you from a place of hypervigilance and fear of rejection (read:abandonment).** A lot like you used to when you were a kid.
Why Breakups Tear You Apart
You’re not really connecting so much as protecting yourself. And that’s why it feels like a piece of you dies when you get broken up with: you do anything and everything to fend off rejection, but you still lost your partner. Even after you got to know them better than you’ve known yourself all this time, right down to what they love (more than you, apparently), the thoughts that go through their head when it starts to rain, and exactly how their face changes shape when they cry. And when you lose someone you knew better than yourself, it can feel like losing yourself.
More importantly, you can’t help but feel like they never even got to know the real you.**
And they didn’t.
They got to know the roles you thought they needed you to play. That part of you who learned very early on how to become what you think is being asked of you. They knew whoever you thought they wanted to know.
On top of that? They never asked for your impressive need-sleuthing skills. It seemed like they did because they let you take the reins and manage their feelings. But you probably go above and beyond with your careful need-meeting in most of your close relationships, and people can’t tell how much energy you spend trying to figure out what they’re missing. They think the roles you play are you, just like you might feel like you truly exist in the act of giving them what they need.
Tl;dr: you’re bomb af at reading people, but you’re not really present while you do it. You’re reacting to a perceived threat–that threat of rejection and being abandoned because of it–and your partners get a lot out of you pleasing and appeasing them, but it’s always less of a relationship and more of a service. It might indeed work out in the long-term one day, but if and when it does, you’ll probably wish it were because of who you actually are instead of what you do for them.
In my next blog post, I’ll be talking about what you might actually want, small ways to inch into who you really are, the fears that come with living in your own skin instead of being a human chameleon, and the difference between reading people out of fear vs. engaging with people and connecting.***
For now, I’ll leave you with this: if you think you might fawn a lot, your body is reacting to old relational trauma in contexts where it believes there’s still a threat to your survival. It doesn’t matter if the rejection isn’t life-threatening in and of itself; it could’ve been life-threatening as a kid when you needed acceptance from the adults around you in order to survive, and your body has continued to do its best to protect you.
As for next steps? Realizing how your trauma has affected you is huge. Only then can you start to notice which feelings come up when you get someone’s needs “wrong.” That self-awareness can grow into seeing what made you feel rejected in the moment and what you needed to feel safer–and I mean what the real you needed.
The real you deserves to be seen and cared for when you’re scared.
I wish you healing, and I’m sorry people haven’t appreciated the work you’ve put into their well-being as well as staying safe.
Did this ring true for you? Looking for a therapist who specializes in the Fawn response? Our therapists can help. Book a therapy matchmaking appointment with our therapist matchmaker to begin your healing journey today. (Therapy is only available in CA.)
Interested in learning more about our unique approach to trauma therapy?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
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References:
**Aigner, C. (2022, November 29). Love or fear? The please/appease survival response: interrupting the cycle of trauma. Summit.sfu.ca. https://summit.sfu.ca/item/35736
***Davis, S. (2022, February 21). Rejection Trauma and the Freeze/Fawn Response. CPTSD Foundation. Retrieved February 24, 2023, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/02/21/rejection-trauma-and-the-freeze-fawn-response/
*Paredes, R. (2022, May 30). Understanding Trauma: The 6 Types of Trauma Responses. Mindbetter. Retrieved February 24, 2023, from https://mindbetter.com/trauma-response-types/
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