Creating a Sexual Ethic
This month we are talking about Purity Culture. Purity Culture is a White, Evangelical Christian American phenomenon at its peak in the 1990s. Purity Culture strongly emphasized remaining “pure” by not engaging in impure sexual activity, defined as any sexual activity outside of heterosexual Christian marriages.
Purity Culture was typically closely connected with American Evangelical churches and ministries. Many teens heard sermons or attended conferences on why they should not have sex outside of heterosexual Christian marriages. This message is deeply infused with shame.
Last week we talked about leaving Purity Culture, and today we will discuss creating a sexual ethic.
Leaving Easy Answers Behind
There are no simple answers once we leave Purity Culture. While holding space for all of the toxicity that Purity Culture harbors, it does create scripts for relationships and how to engage with your sexuality. We’re told things like not to have sex before marriage, that our goal should be to get married and have kids, and that we should fight against our body's instincts and desires.
After leaving Purity Culture, the ambiguity we face after a loss of structure can feel debilitating. How do we relate to ourselves? How do we relate to others? There are no longer clear-cut answers about when you should have sex and what you should want from a relationship. As you read this article, you may start to feel anxiety rising up. Make sure to use coping and grounding skills to take care of yourself!
Here are two great articles with grounding exercises that might be helpful.
What is a Sexual Ethic?
Okay, now that you have your grounding resources at hand, let’s talk about sexual ethics. A sexual ethic is a collection of values that guide you in your relationships, sexuality, and connection to your body. This ethic influences your connections with yourself and others. Your values inform how you show up in relationships, the partners you choose, and what you want out of relationships.
Your values might be influenced by your spirituality or religion, culture, and the person that you want to be. It will probably take you time to develop a sexual ethic. Most likely, you will engage in relationships and will learn what aligns with your values. This might be something like hooking up with someone and deciding that you only want to be sexually active in committed relationships. Purity Culture tells you that you should always be certain of your values, but it can take time. The important thing is that you are being considerate of yourself and others, and remember that consent is always crucial. This process may involve hard conversations and apologies as you learn and figure out what your sexual ethic is. As we like to say in therapy, the repair is more important than the rupture.
Identifying how we Cope with Sexual Shame
Alright, so we’ve talked about how it can be anxiety-provoking to leave Purity Culture and how it will take time and experience to develop your sexual ethic. Both of these things may invoke sexual shame.
One of my favorite resources to recommend to people who are leaving Purity Culture is the book Beyond Shame by Matthias Roberts. Many people who grew up in Purity Culture experience sexual shame. In his book, Roberts talks about two common ways individuals cope with sexual shame- shamefulness and shamelessness.
Shamefulness is a result of being consumed by sexual shame. Purity Culture tells us that there are clear right and wrong ways to engage with our sexuality. We feel shame when we feel desire or act in ways that are not “right.” When we experience shamefulness, we feel that this shame is overtaking us and influencing our decisions about sexuality and relationships.
Roberts wrote that “control, avoidance, and secrecy are the critical tools of shamefulness” (p. 24). We try to control our sexuality by repressing and fighting it- we tamp it down, pretending that we don’t have needs or desires. We may also cloak our sexuality in secrecy, engaging in secret hookups, lying about relationships, or remaining in the closet. Shamefulness can take over our lives and negatively impact ourselves and our relationships.
The flip side of shamefulness is shamelessness. It is great to move away from shame, but shamelessness doesn’t deal with shame- it represses it. Roberts explains that “shamelessness becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism when we throw all (or most) of our values away as a way to avoid feeling shame” (p. 34). Instead of thinking about what we want and need in relationships, shamelessness tells us that anything goes, even if it harms our partners or us.
Developing your sexual ethic and processing through shame are two essential components of leaving Purity Culture behind.
Journal Prompts to Develop Your Sexual Ethic
Especially if you grew up in Purity Culture, you probably did not have space to think about what you need and want out of romantic and sexual relationships. Self-reflection and intentional conversations can be helpful in developing your sexual ethic. These questions can be a good place to start.
Do I want to be in a relationship?
Do I experience sexual attraction?
Do I experience romantic attraction?
What do I value in relationships?
What boundaries help me protect my physical, emotional, and mental well-being?
What thoughts and emotions come up when I think about being single?
What internal and external pressures do I experience regarding romance and sexuality?
What type of relationships do I want?
What qualities and traits do I want in a partner or partners?
Who do I want to be in a relationship?
Leaving Purity Culture and creating a sexual ethic takes time. Listen to your body and mind as you process. Next week we’ll be talking about navigating the impacts of Purity Culture with a partner.
Did this ring true for you? Looking for a therapist who specializes in religious trauma and healing from purity culture? Our therapists and coaches can help. Book a therapy or coaching appointment with our therapist matchmaker to begin your healing journey today. (Therapy is only available in CA, coaching is available worldwide.)
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