Leaving Purity Culture
Purity Culture is a White, Evangelical Christian American phenomenon at its peak in the 1990s. Purity Culture strongly emphasized remaining “pure” by not engaging in impure sexual activity, defined as any sexual activity outside of heterosexual Christian marriages.
Purity Culture was typically closely connected with American Evangelical churches and ministries. Many teens heard sermons or attended conferences on why they should not have sex outside of heterosexual Christian marriages. This message is deeply infused with shame.
We discussed the effects of Purity Culture in this blog on Traumastery, and today we will focus on leaving Purity Culture.
Purity Culture is insidious because the shame it creates and promotes becomes deeply instilled in individuals and communities. Even when we leave the communities that were intertwined with Purity Culture, the effects follow us.
Identifying the Messages of Purity Culture
The first step in leaving Purity Culture is to identify the messages you were told and how they continue to impact you. If you’ve already spent time processing the messages that you received while growing up, you might be able to quickly identify how Purity Culture has impacted you. In other cases, the messages you received might have been more subtle, or you are only starting to identify them.
If you are looking for a deep dive into Purity Culture, these books are a great place to start:
They provide a lot of context about Purity Culture, the messages it spreads, and its long-lasting impact.
If you want to do some self-exploratory work, these journal prompts may help you identify the Purity Culture messages you heard.
What were you told about gender roles (in general and in relationships)?
What were you told about gender expression?
What values were modeled by leaders within your community (parents, church leadership, etc.)?
Did your community have upfront conversations about sex?
What sexual activity is considered acceptable, and in what relationships (e.g., sex in heterosexual marriages)?
What qualities does a partner need to have to be considered suitable by your community (religion, job, “purity,” etc.)?
What were the spoken and unspoken attitudes about LGBTQIA+ identities?
Was there space for people who identify as asexual or aromantic?
Identifying the Impact of Purity Culture
The next step in leaving Purity Culture is to identify how it is currently impacting you. Depending on the messages you heard, this impact might feel easy to identify, or it might take some time to disentangle the messages.
Here are some reflection prompts that might help:
What is your comfort level with the sexual desire you experience?
How comfortable do you feel talking to a partner about your sexual needs and desires?
What are your expectations for communication with your partner?
What emotions come up when you think about sex?
What emotions arise when you think about your body (caring for it, yourself as a sexual being, etc.)?
Do you feel pressure to be sexually active?
Do you feel pressure to abstain from sex?
Are there internal or external expectations for you to be in a relationship?
If you identify within the LGBTQIA+ community, how do you feel about your identity?
Thinking through these questions may help you identify how Purity Culture has impacted you, despite working to leave it behind. This Traumastery blog covers some of the physical and emotional impacts that you might experience from the demands of Purity Culture.
When leaving Purity Culture, it is important that we don’t exchange one blanket statement set of values for another. Purity Culture told us that there were specific rules for how we express ourselves, engage in relationships, and connect to our sexuality. Leaving these rules behind can be difficult because we no longer have the certainty of that structure. Being responsible for identifying our sexual ethics can be difficult when we don’t have guidance on what that process should look like. Next week, we will talk about creating a sexual ethic that is specific to you and fits with your values.
Did this ring true for you? Looking for a therapist who specializes in religious trauma and healing from purity culture? Our therapists and coaches can help. Book a therapy or coaching appointment with our therapist matchmaker to begin your healing journey today. (Therapy is only available in CA, coaching is available worldwide.)
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