Hot-Button Issues for Couples
What are some hot-button issues for couples?
Almost anything can become an issue in a relationship because issues arise when couples fail to understand one another, expectations go unmet, or you are unable to regulate in the midst of distress. However, there are three topics that tend to result in some of the biggest arguments amongst couples: finances, families, and sex.
Finances
We all grow up learning about money from the people around us, usually our parents or caregivers, yet we sometimes do not realize some of the habits or viewpoints that we have inherited until we come in contact with someone who thinks or acts differently.
Typically people will find themselves leaning toward one or the other of these categories:
Saver vs spender
Budget vs no budget
Debt vs no debt
Obviously, there are spectrums to these categories, but typically you will tend towards one or the other with your partner most likely being the opposite, hence this being a hot-button issue. When you are in a relationship, your financial choices affect your partner and not just you, even if you have separate finances. Where we spend our money can show us what we value or find important and those things not only matter but also affect our loved ones.
For example, let’s say you love to spend money eating out because not only do you not like to cook that much, but you enjoy trying new restaurants and experiencing it with your partner. Your partner, on the other hand, is in a different financial situation and finds they are unable to afford eating out all the time. Here is what a conversation might look like (with some explanations of potential feelings) if you do not have explicit conversations about money.
Your partner: “Hey, let’s stay home and cook tonight.”
(feeling anxious about spending money but struggling to communicate it because they feel like a burden)
You: “I really wanted to try that new place I was telling you about!”
(feeling disappointed, but determined to go to the new place, unaware that the issue here is money not food)
Your partner: “I don’t really feel up to it.”
(feeling conflicted and not good enough, they want to go but can’t afford it and don’t know how to express their concern about spending money therefore being dishonest)
You: “I have seriously been looking forward to trying this place all week. What about tomorrow then?”
(feeling disappointed and irritated, trying to find a quick solution which misses the emotional content of their partner entirely)
Your partner: “Umm ok. I guess so.”
(feeling misunderstood, anxious, and forced into something they do not want to do, displaying a sense of dishonesty about their actual feelings)
You: “I was really excited about this place but now you seem like you are in a bad mood.”
(feeling confused at the change in tone and direction, frustrated, betrayed that the partner does not seem to care about something they are excited about)
See how easy it is to get into an argument if you aren’t explicit about how you view money? Or what you like to spend it on, and what your concerns or fears are surrounding it?
Families
When you start seriously dating someone, get engaged, or get married, you start to come into contact with your partner’s family a lot more. The longer you date, the more natural it is to expect your partner to start to prioritize you over their family. This tends to happen because theoretically you are spending more time together just the two of you and it makes sense to begin to overlap your lives more and make decisions together, therefore learning how to prioritize one another. However, this is not always the case because, in some cultures and families, it may be the expectation that your family always comes before your partner. Either way, it is common to not discuss these transitions or expectations, leading to major issues.
Our families majorly shape us and we take those experiences into each of our relationships. There are family “rules” that govern how we operate in our immediate family, but when someone else gets brought in, the dynamic can change, leaving everyone confused and unsure of how to proceed.
For example, let’s say your family is made up of people who are not big communicators. When you all get together you are happy to just watch a movie quietly, play a relaxing board game, or go for a walk on the beach enjoying nature. Your partner, on the other hand, is a talker and comes from a family of talkers. They love to engage in heated debates, make plans for the upcoming day, and share their feelings. This difference was one of the first things that attracted you to your partner, but once your partner gets around your family, you find yourself feeling anxious, sensing that how your partner acts seems to “stress out” your family. All of a sudden, your family is acting weird and standoffish, your partner is mad at you for not backing them up earlier, and you feel overwhelmed. If we do not take the time to talk about how our families shape us, the effects they have on us, and how that dynamic seems to change when our partners come around, we will find ourselves at odds with both our partners and our families.
Sex
The reason sex is a hot-button issue is because people really struggle to talk explicitly and comfortably about it. Difficulty in talking about sex can be due to religious trauma, lack of exposure, past sexual abuse, shame, lack of sexual education, ignorance etc.
It also does not help that culture and media seem to communicate that it is normal to just engage in sex and never talk about it. Most sex scenes in movies involve two people who start with making out and then all of a sudden they are apparently engaging in passionate sex, subtly communicating that it is “normal” to just intuitively know what feels good for your partner without asking (not to mention the lack of consent often depicted but that is a whole other topic).
In reality, you do not know what your partner likes or what feels good for them unless you ask. And ask again. And ask again. Every physical body is so different, but also each physical body can change over time. For example, did you know that sex can feel more or less pleasurable for women based on where they are in their menstrual cycle? After a menstrual period, women tend to be less lubricated and sex can feel a little more painful compared to when women are ovulating (usually about halfway through the menstrual cycle) when there is more lubrication present vaginally.
Even if you have been with your partner awhile, their sexual desires or sexual needs may change so it is important to check in with your partner before, during and after sex to see how they are doing. You have to be able to communicate what feels good, what doesn’t and what you want, while also being mindful of those things for your partner.
Sex tends to become a hot-button issue when there are differences in expectations and those expectations are not expressed. Couples often have different expectations about who is supposed to initiate sex, how often sex should happen, what should happen before or after sex (sex first then talk or talk first then sex), how long sex should go for, etc. Add in some body image issues, past sexual trauma, religious trauma, and/or pornography addiction, and you can see how this can get really complicated and hard to talk about.
How can you prevent betrayal trauma in light of these issues?
Betrayal can be defined as a violation of love or safety and can shake the connection in our relationships. Betrayal trauma occurs when the betrayal is either very intense or continues repeatedly over time and we find it difficult to be able to regulate or connect. In order to prevent betrayal trauma from happening in your relationships in light of the above issues, try these three things:
Seek to understand
Slow the conversation down and make space for the emotions you and your partner may be experiencing. Try to reflect back to your partner what they are saying, making sure you are understanding them. Oftentimes we are more on the same page than we think we are, we just need to take the time to listen.
Set aside time to discuss expectations
These topics are hard to talk about and best talked about in a distraction-free zone. Put your phones down and your kids to sleep and set aside some time to talk through a budget, or how you felt when your father-in-law came to visit, or what you want to try sexually next time.
Regulate and connect
Breathe. These are difficult topics to discuss but you are not alone. Chances are your partner is also struggling with how to communicate about these topics too so try your best to have compassion for one another. No one wants to be in conflict.
If you find you are still struggling to communicate about these issues, sometimes it is helpful to find a therapist to help you articulate your feelings and concerns. Our therapist matchmaker is skilled at finding the right therapeutic fit, and offers free 30-minute consultations. You can book a consultation below.
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