Emotionally Immature Parents
There is a strong connection between narcissistic or emotionally unstable parenting and complex trauma (C-PTSD). In other words, adults with complex trauma often have parents with narcissistic qualities or significant emotional limitations. Thus, C-PTSD children often grow into adults who are used to navigating emotionally nonreciprocal relationships.
If this is you, you’re used to not getting the same as what you give. Children with emotionally immature parents get used to this. They also get used to blaming themselves for the frustration, sadness, or yearning that comes as a result—just like their emotionally neglectful or abusive parent did. This is NOT your fault, but a result of what you were taught.
Here, I dive into emotionally immature parenting and how this can impact children and contribute to the development of complex trauma. I also dig into the 4 Types of EIPs (framework created by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD).
FOUR TYPES OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS
Each type of emotionally immature parent (or “EIP”) is emotionally disconnected and insensitive, and all are emotionally neglectful in different ways. All share common traits of egocentricity, emotional unreliability, and a limited capacity for genuine emotional intimacy. They are unlikely to believe or understand that others think and feel differently than they do.
1. EMOTIONAL PARENTS
The emotional parent is anxious, vulnerable, and emotionally unstable or volatile. They need children to meet their needs in order to be OK and may punish children for having emotional needs by throwing tantrums or over-dramatizing hurt feelings (as in, “I guess I’m just the WORST parent in the whole world,” or “I don’t even deserve to live. I’m a terrible mother”). They overreact dramatically or explosively to small upsets and require other people to soothe and stabilize them, which often means retracting boundaries or expressed feelings in order to restore the parent’s equilibrium and thus the safety of the household. This maneuver is called an emotional takeover.
The emotional parent may swing between being overly involved in their child’s life to abrupt withdrawal (this “icing out” is often used as punishment for the child’s unwillingness or inability to “properly” soothe the parent). These parents can present as childlike in their behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and in how they relate to their children.
To sum it up: Emotional-type EIPs are emotionally manipulative, expecting to be taken care of, controlling others with emotional tactics, and seeking a peer-to-peer or role-reversed relationship with the child. In the first scenario, the parent becomes an equal, and in the second, the child becomes the parent. Neither scenario allows the child to be a child, or requires the parent to be a parent.
2. DRIVEN PARENTS
The driven parent is overly invested in their child’s life and success and is unconcerned with nurturing their child’s unique interests or skills. These parents are highly controlling and interfering and may use shame or other harsh tactics to teach the child not to ask for deeper emotional connection or empathy from them (because they don’t know how to give it). Instead, the driven parent teaches the child to value success and achievement and to measure their value by their performance (academic success is one common area for driven parents to push hard in).
Driven parents are often compulsively busy and goal-oriented, teaching their children to be the same way—as long as they’re oriented toward the PARENT’s goals. They often expect their children to want and value the same things they do, and may become angry or shaming when contradicted, or when they “discover” that children have different priorities or interests. This teaches children to keep quiet about any passions, interests, or unique personality elements that deviate from those of the driven parent’s.
Note: Driven EIPs often look the most “normal” to outsiders, which can cause intense internalized gaslighting for children, as nobody seems to think there’s anything wrong with how their parents act.
3. PASSIVE PARENTS
The passive parent typically avoids dealing with anything upsetting. They are usually the “favorite” parent, seeming more emotionally available than the other types, but only up to a certain extent. The passive parent rarely offers their children any real limits or guidance to help them navigate the world. They prefer taking a backseat to a dominant partner, even allowing abuse and neglect to occur by looking the other way. They might even be the parent who offers comfort after the child has been abused by the domineering parent, which can “lock in” the child’s view of them as the “safe” parent, even though they won’t intervene to stop the behavior. This teaches children to expect abuse, and that being loved does not mean being protected.
The passive parent copes by minimizing problems and acquiescing. They are not willing to make themselves uncomfortable on their child’s behalf. This style of parenting teaches children that they have low worth and are helpless against people who are perceived as having more power.
“Children wisely know not to expect or ask for much help from these parents. While passive parents actually enjoy their children, have fun with them, and make them feel special, the children sense that their parents aren’t really there for them in any essential way.” ~ Lindsay Gibson, PsyD
4. REJECTING PARENTS
Children of rejecting EI parents often grow up feeling like an immense burden to the parent. Some rejecting EI parents actually tell the children things that support this notion, such as that they never wanted children, regret having children, or that their lives were/would have been better without children. Unsurprisingly, these children learn to believe they are of little value. They may become suicidal, or conversely, highly driven (in an attempt to prove to themselves or parents that they are worth the life they’ve been so graciously given).
The rejecting parent mostly wants to be left alone. They are not excited by the children’s accomplishments or interests. They often rule the family and home, everything revolves around them, and the family instinctively tries to not upset them because their reactions can be so caustic and hurtful. These parents primarily interact with their children by issuing commands, blowing up, or isolating themselves from family life, depending on what suits the parent’s needs in that moment. When met with attempts to draw them into affectionate or emotional interactions, the rejecting parent will likely distance themself. If pushed, they will likely react with such hurtful words that they get the distance they want, as the wounded children retreat to escape further abuse.
If you’re living with complex trauma, I’m willing to bet that some of these qualities resonate with you from your own experiences with your parents, and things you might have come to believe about yourself or the world as a result of your parents’ emotional immaturity and neglect. This is not your fault. Having emotionally immature parents may as well be a prerequisite for complex trauma based on how often these co-occur. EIPs require you to emotionally adapt in order to survive your childhood. But the journey does not have to stop here. If you are a California resident and would like to book a free consultation with our therapist matchmaker, we specialize in Complex PTSD and Narcissistic abuse.
If you are interested in learning more about complex trauma, you can read more about it here: Complex Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse
All therapists at Woven Together Trauma Therapy are trauma-informed and specialize in treating all forms of trauma. We also offer EMDR, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, and Brainspotting which has shown to be extremely effective in treating and healing trauma. Want to read more about our unique therapy options?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
If you would like to learn more about Brainspotting, check out our blog: What is Brainspotting?
Read more about Dr. Ruth’s approach to trauma therapy:
